There will be another song for me...

Objectively, I know that depression is a result of several observable factors, each of which can hypothetically be avoided. I am more likely to be depressed when I am up late at night doing nothing, like right now. I am more likely to be depressed when I am hungry. I am more likely to be depressed when I think about either the general present (beyond the immediate moment) or the past. Hypothetically this could be avoided by going to sleep and waking up at earlier hours, eating more at night, and not thinking about my life at all. My psychology textbook, though we won't get to that until near the end of the semester, makes the obvious point that thinking about oneself is in general an unhappy activity, and I can only agree with that statement.
So why am I awake anyway? Because I want to work on things I'm too tired to work on, but refuse to accept that I can't work on them. And because going to sleep means I have to go to Cabrillo after I wake up, and then not get home until 6-something, by which point the better part of the day will be gone. I am awake because this is my only chance for the next three quarters of a day to get anything done at home, and I like to delude myself that I will get something done. But all I'm really doing is sitting here moping.
I didn't even seek out the bad thoughts this time like I sometimes do. I was looking for Emma's livejournal, and that meant clicking on unfamiliar names, and somehow I came upon Harper's, which I glanced at because I am naturally curious. And Harper is fully immersed in the life that my own actions cut me off from, and yet he complains about problems I only wish I could have because they would mean having so many other things as well. I want to cruelly laugh at the boy who is invited to parties by people he gets along with and sees his friends all the time and mourns because some girl might not love him womaticawy. I wish I had a social life beyond an hour and a half of improv once a week, TA-85V with Lauren R on Saturdays, chance meetings with people like Maya S, and talking to kids from Ohio. Then after that I feel guilty, not only because it's a terribly rude way to think of Harper, but also because there are surely people who would love to have my situation. And jealousy, scorn, longing and guilt are all negative feelings and do not leave me feeling happier in the slightest.
If I was a better student who did his homework promptly rather than letting it stretch across the day, turning two or three hours of work into twelve, I'm sure I'd be better off. Because then I'd feel free to work on my own projects, and when I can do that I'm really happy. When I'm alone and doing something I like doing, that's good; when I'm with friends and being talked to, that's good; when I'm not being talked to and not doing anything interesting, that's nicht besonders gut. I would love the life I had a few years back when all I did was stuff that I wanted to do, and was never unhappy. I tend to blame my current ruin on interactions with Cassia and Julia, but I wonder if it might not be an even more fundamental reason: not doing the things that make me happy. And my personal problems just increased at the same time as my fun time diminished. It's a nice thought, because it suggests that my life would be a whole lot better if I did a better job at homework.
The thing is, when I have a project, I don't need most friends. Aside from people like Cooba and Blackraptor and BN and et/Alien if he's around, everyone's just a meaningless distraction. When I don't have a project, when I'm immersed in the "real world," friends are all I have to keep me going - and those are in short supply. So, come late August, I leave this city and try again somewhere else, where I don't have a bad background, and where people will hopefully like me better and would notice if I died.
...and that, see, that's the depression talking, right there. Tomorrow (okay, technically today) I'll look back at this and it'll be a horrible exaggeration and I may even delete/privatize it. Then maybe tomorrow night it'll seem more plausible again, or else I'll be feeling creative and everything will be great. I dunno. It's a bad cycle.

...but FSP2 will be incredible, you'll see!
And TARS, yes, a great homage!
CrysilisV has many possibilities and will have an awesome example level!
The V.I.O.L.E.T. project is going to be the coolest thing I have ever programmed!
Saving Agent Cottontail will be finished someday! So will Atlantis!
but... when? when am I going to be strong enough to take the time for them to actually exist?